Love In The Time Of War, Torn Between Love And Comfort

“It’s just not fair Ellen, it’s just not fair.” Regina Stanton cried into the telephone. “God, I love them both so much.” Ellen’s brassy voice echoed in the small apartment. “Well Reggie, you gotta do something. This thing has gone on long enough. You have to tell him.” “I know…

Gardening With Dogs, Cats, Two Squirrels, And A Duck

Early this morning, Mrs. Em informed me I was taking her to the gardening center so she could purchase mass quantities of flowers, plants, and pottery to add to our already festooned backyard. She loaded up on assorted flora, fertilizer, and garden doodads, thereby depleting the coffers of our estate…

A Lizard Procession For Cyrstal’s Big Toe

Forty-two, small, green lizards lined up to lick the big toe on Crystal’s left foot. She hated to disappoint them so she asked Roger to wait until the procession of reptiles had each had their turn before they left for the airport. Roger, of course, complained in that whiny, nasal…

I Am An Alien Hostage On This Planet

I didn’t sleep at all last night. The pain in my elbow caused by a hairline fracture I sustained yesterday, was a thorn in my ability to go unconscious, but there was a method to the pain’s madness. The pain kept me awake so I could focus on the reason…

Razor Camels and Short Hoppers Prepare For War

The blacxkfellows from Downchurch called them razor camels.one knew from where or when the camels arrived, but the group had be spotted in the lowlands nearly three years ago. Although no official tally had been kept, it was believed there were 23 of them mostly males. Razor Camels seemed an…

Embrace Your Farts, It Might Be The Most Fun You Have All Day

Pathetic Bob channeled  me through the potted plant today. “Hey Em. guess what?” “No, I don’t want to guess cause I know it will be something stupid.” “Stupid your ass, It’s about the funniest thing people can do to crack themselves and others up, It’s about farts. Yeah, farts, both…

Paris Hilton’s Furniture Conspires to Murder Her

As soon as the deadbolt slid into place, and they were sure she was out for the night, Henrik Mussman leather sofa spoke up. “Listen up,all of you, I can’t stand it anymore, and I know some of you feel the same way.. It’s been going on for far too…

Carl’s Good Day is Tainted By Monkeys

The first clue that it might be a good day was when Carl’s wife Jennifer rolled over on top of him at 6:00 am that morning and said, “Let’s have morning sex.” Carl loved morning sex;his  man juices and erectile abilities were at their peak during mornings, but Jen’s libido was usually…

A Vampire Throws Ed And Shirley A Curve

The vampire transformation couldn’t come at a worse time for Ed Rassmussen. The 84-year-old retired farm implement salesman living in Glaston, Minnesota was in ill health and looking forward to dying. Unfortunately, Shelly, the next door neighbor’s, teenage, idiot, vampire daughter had gone and bit him. Now, he was turning…

Get Rich Quick, A Pathetic Bob Guide

So, you want to get rich quick? Who doesn’t? But unless you are lucky enough to receive an e-mail from the wife, son, of a former,high-ranking, Nigerian official now living in London, who has stashed $23 million in an offshore bank and needs you to get it out for him…