Rearing Children to Become Less Pathetic Adults

If you want to see what children can do, you must stop giving them things –Norman Douglas The main difference between the human puppy and the rest of the mammalian world is human children never seem to leave home. This may be because you are obsessed with youth and try…

Whining About Wine And Grape Jelly Won’t Make It Taste Better

Having recently returned from a trip to San Francisco, where the lovely Ms, Em insisted I tag along on a tour of the “wine country.” Wine country consists of Sonoma and Napa valleys in the middle of California. I was reluctant because I’m a little sick of people lifting what…

Pathetic Bob Extends Einstein’s Theories With His Own

Since I’ve been here in Deadland, I found Einsteins’s E=MC-rounded theory, on which he was working at the time of his death. It seemed to me Einstein was tinkering with equations seeking proof for what he termed,”The Planetary Law of Pressurized distortion of solid and ethereal magma as they relate to world events…

Pathetic Bob’s Kimono of Gods Debunked

As I was reading my morning e-mails, Pathetic Bob called me via the potted plant. “Em, Em, unto this day, five gods are born, and the Japanese people better repent.” I was engrossed in an e-mail offer from a college I’d never heard of to sign up for an online degree program…

Electroconvulsive Therapy, I Was A Monkey Who Got Shocked

Have you ever had electricity shot through your head to cause convulsions…on purpose. Medically, it’s called  Electroconvulsive Therapy (ECT), and I’ve had it done 38 times in the past 20 years. I didn’t do it to get high, although I could have use a good high about then. I did it because I…

Barry Eats Sheep

Last week, I started old school, and tomorrow, my first homework assignment is due for my class in memoir writing. I’ve already completed the assignment, and anticipate a fairly decent grade, but I’m worried about my classmate Barry. Barry is 81 years old, and up until 11 years ago, he…

Broken Fish, The Dubious Science Of Hazel Capon

Dr. Hazel Capon was deeply concerned. The funding for project “Broken Fish” was running out, and without significant results in the next four months, it was unlikely the Flugler Foundation would continue its support of her work. Dr. Capon was the only ichthyo-orthopod in the country specializing in rib injuries…

My Eating Utensils Shamed Me

Several weeks ago, I sat down at the dining room table to a meal consisting of corn on the cob, small red potatoes, and a nicely marbled rib-eye steak. After slathering I-Can’t-Believe-It’s-Not-Butter on the corn, I picked up my fork in my left hand and my serrated steak knife in…

A Great Political Essay Ruined By Gophers

I I’ve been fighting some seriously hot and humid Texas ennui, but I was determined to sit down at the computer this morning and write. My plan was to write an essay about why I am so disenchanted with my county at the moment. Sure, I was going to rant…

Umlauts Can’t Save The World

She wants Belgium waffles and a Bob Marley joint. “You won’t find them here,” the nose-studded shopkeeper said. Her face rose to the next octave of color, and she danced with an alpaca’s tooth in her hand until dizzy. “Polly Sumatra just doesn’t understand me,” she complained loudly as she…