So I was scheduled to have a neuro stimulator planted into my body this coming Friday. But, I was at the store today when my doctor’s office calls and says they had a cancellation for tomorrow and would like me to come in at 9:00 a.m. and get it over with. Without much thought, I said, “yes.”
Of course, I immediately had to come home and check in with my dead dog, Pathetic Bob. I connected with him via the potted plant since Bill the Cat was nowhere to be found.
“Hey Em,” he said, “you sound a little excited, what’s up?”
I explained the change of plans, and that I would have a device implanted snugly in my side and three leads attached under my skin to my spine.
“Are you really sure you want to do this?” he asked warily.
“Why not?” I asked. “I gotta do something.”
“About what, pain?”
“Of course Pain. I’ve been in pain for three years. Chronic pain, they call it. I’ve been going to a pain doctor for the past year, and he gave me about every hardcore narcotics available. Nothing worked. Not fentynel, not morphine, not methadone, nothing. It wouldn’t even get me high. I have a high tolerance to pain meds. Plus, I don’t like those toxic things in my body. So, my pain doctor and neurosurgeon decided to do this implant as a last-ditch effort to mediate the pain.”.
“So, is it your back that hurts or your ass or your legs?”
“Yes, all of it.”
“I think you ought to be real careful. You know once they get all that electrical stuff in you, they’ll be able to control you. They can make you do whatever they want. You could easily end up a robot, and the next thing you know, you’ll be fixing their cars, cleaning their restrooms, and spying on other hospital’s computer mainframes. Have you thought about leeches?”
“Leeches are for blood impurities.”
“I guess you could look at it this way. At least you’ll have a couple days pain free before the gameshow host is installed as you president and starts killing everybody. Hey, maybe he’ll keep the robots around to do his bidding. You work it right, and you could come out ahead on this thing.”