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Pathetic Bob Introduces me to My Dead Mom

I came into the office and Bill the Cat was babbling. Pathetic Bob was trying to get ahold of me, and he seemed excited.

“Bob,” I said, “What the hell is going on, you seem so damn excited.?”

“Hey Em, I got somebody I want you to meet, and you might want to watch your language.”

“Jeez Bob, you got a girl there or something?”

“Sort of; she’s a girl and she’s my friend.”

“OK, quit with the mystery, who is she?”

“Alright, but you’re gonna be in for a surprise.”

“So surprise me.”

“Em, I like you to meet your mother, Stella.”

“Bullshit!”

Just then another voice chimed in, a honey-soaked, Southern-accented voice I knew by heart.”

“Michael, it’s your mom. I’m so happy to hear from you in kinda person. I love you son, but I see how you’re hurting yourself, and I can’t stand by anymore and I can’t let that happen. You’re too vital and talented to spend years lamenting my death. It’s taken something out of you that you can’t afford to lose.”

“She’s right Em, and you should listen to your mom, your beautiful, hot mom.”
“He Bob, watch how you talk about my mom.”

“So, mom, I’m glad you’re there. Bob says it’s a wonderful place, and all your needs are met. You deserve the best; you were a great mom…the best.”

“Well thank you, sweetheart, you were a pretty goog kid yourself.”

“Alright, let’s knock the touchy-feely stuff off for now. Em, ask your mom what’s she’s been doing here.”

“Yeah, ma, what have you been up to?”

“Oh son, this is s marvelous place. While I’ve been here I’ve taken lots of classes such as mud sculpting, Yahtzee, Greco-Roman wrestling, languages, which is good cause now I can talk to my new boyfriend, Kukko. He’s from Cameroon, and just the sweetest man?

“Wait, wait,” I sputtered. “You’ve got a boyfriend? What about dad? Did you just dump him?”

“No , no, no honey, I didn’t dump your father. With eternity ahead, we thought it might be nice to meet other people. He is off fishing with a beautiful English lady.”

“Uh…uh…do you…uh…uh….”

“Do we have sex. No, no¬† one does up here.”

“Jeez mom, don’t say that word. I worked hard to never hear you and dad talk about stuff like that when I was a kid.”

“My dear child, where do you think you came from? Like Bob said, I was pretty hot back then.”

“I’m not listening…nah…nah…nah I have my fingers in my ears.”

“Grow up Michael…Oh, you already did. Then, grow smarter. Grab the rest of your life by the balls and do something great, or at least wonderful.”

“Jeez ma, do you have to say ‘balls’?”

Bob butted in, “Hey mom, he says balls all the time even worse. It’s him, not me.”

Mom raised her voice, “Bob, you’re a magnificent dog, but take ownership of your words.”

Bob lowered his voice and said, “Yes, ma’am.”

She turned her attention to me. “Now baby, no more crying about my death, you’ve done enough. It hurts you, and I don’t want you hurt. Now, I’ve got to be off, Kukko is waiting, and we’re going sand-skiing. Bye son, I love you.”

I fought back tears and said, “Say hi to Kukko for me. Tell him I’d like to question…I mean, talk to him sometime.”

“Will do, I love you.”

And, then she was gone, and I could hear sniffling in the background. “Bob? Are you crying?”

“Crying is for pussies; I just have a little cold.”

Sure. I tell you what, let’s be pussies together for a while, and then you can find my dad.”

 

 

 

 

One thought on “Pathetic Bob Introduces me to My Dead Mom

  1. Growing smarter every day in spite of yourself aren’t you !

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