Posted on

Embrace Your Farts, It Might Be The Most Fun You Have All Day

Pathetic Bob channeled  me through the potted plant today. “Hey Em. guess what?”

“No, I don’t want to guess cause I know it will be something stupid.”

“Stupid your ass, It’s about the funniest thing people can do to crack themselves and others up, It’s about farts. Yeah, farts, both smelly and loud and quiet and deadly. And don’t tell me you or Ms Em don’t fart. All animals fart…except birds.”

I couldn’t believe I was stepping into this conversation, but I had to be truthful. “Farts are part of a ritual that vault men into boys. Flapping your slats in front of a bunch of guys.and they will guffaw with pleasure. As they become men, the funny-fart instinct never goes away. I remember my father when he ripped a long one would remark, ‘Whoa, I got to get that tuned,’ followed by a hearty laugh.”

“I’ve noticed,” said Bob, “Women don’t like farts; they find them disgusted.When they have to fart, I think they go into the closet a squeeze a tiny ‘poot, and act as if nothing has happened”

“Bob, I foumd this really interesting article by Candida Moss in The Daily Beast. in which she tells the story of how a fart killed 10,000  people. In fact, she writes more about farts and farting than any woman I’ve ever known. “The killer fart took place before Passover. According to the historian Josephus, he tells us that an irreverent Roman soldier lowered his pants, and ‘spoke such word as you might expect in such  position’. It caused a riot that led to the deaths of 10,000 people..’That gives a new meaning to “silent but deadly.”

“Wow, that was a powerful fart.”

In some civilizations, the fart had spiritual tone, but for the most par,t it has enjoyed a humorous status. Great writers such as  Shakespeare. Chaucer, Aristophanes, as well as Mark Twain have used farts tp get a laugh.”

“Jeez Em, you sure know a lot about farts”

“Not really, this comes form Candida Moss’  essay. I love this passage “Arguably the most successful comedic purveyor of a fart joke,,was Roland le Sarcere, also known as Roland the Farter, court minstrel to King Henry II of England. Roland performed a dance that ended with the simultaneous execution of one jump, one whistle, and one fart. For his talent Roland was gifted a manor house in Suffolk and 100 acres of land. Roland was so beloved that subsequent chroniclers repeated his story and expanded his biography, a process that inadvertently extended his lifespan to 120 years.”

“Bob, if you really want to know about what people call farts, then turn to the Urban Dictionary, there is a list of 261 words or phrases that are euphemisms for fart. Some of my favorites include: ‘wrong way burping, turd honking, Triple Flutter Blast, Step on a Duck (I’ve used this), release an ass biscuit, a panty burp, ghost turd, doing the one-cheek sneak, and  ‘Hey did you fart? Because you blew me away’ (great way to get dates).

“You should copy this list and give it to women so they can enjoy farts as much as men do..”