The first clue that it might be a good day was when Carl’s wife Jennifer rolled over on top of him at 6:00 am that morning and said, “Let’s have morning sex.”
Carl loved morning sex;his man juices and erectile abilities were at their peak during mornings, but Jen’s libido was usually at its nadir. This morning, however, Jen was ripping it like an amateur porn starlet. “Wow,” thought Carl, “this might be a real good day.”
The good had just started
At breakfast, Jen fixed Carl waffles something she hadn’t done since her brother and his family visited. Carl loved waffles.
“What’s the special occasion?” he asked Jen.
“Nothing special; I just love you, Carl, and you deserve waffles.”
With the warm sweetness of waffles and maple syrup in his belly, Carl went out and got in his 1987 Dodge Dakota pickup and he made it to the office in record time. “Amazing,” he thought.
Carl’s office was on the third floor, and as he boarded the elevator, his boss, Richard Nubb got on at the last moment. “Morning Richard,” said Carl in a voice a couple octaves above “happy.”
“Mmmm,” said Richard. “Oh Carl,” he added, “I need to see you in my office in about 15 minutes; don’t be late.”
“Damn,” thought Carl, “I knew this day was going too good to be true.”
But Carl was wrong.
When he arrived at Richard’s office, Richard told him to “come in and close the door behind him. “Carl, I’ve got something to tell you,” said Richard. Carl could feel the good was starting to fall away from his day. Richard was an asshole, and anytime he he told you something, it was usually bad news.
“Carl,” Richard said, “this just came down from the top floor last night. Congratulations Carl, the boys upstairs think you’ve been doing a great job and have decided to promote you to Vice President of Corporate Philosophy. You’ll also get a pretty nice bump in salary.” Richard Nubb smiled and held out his hand, “Way to go Carl.”
When Carl walked out of ,Richard Nubb’s office, he was dumbfounded. “Wow,” he thought, can this day get any better.”
As he was about to call Jennfer to tell her the good news, his phone buzzed. It was Jen calling to tell him the Publisher’s Clearing House had just been at the house and handed her a check for $100,000. “Holy shit, Jen, what’s going on? I just got a promotion at work and now this. Is this a good day or what.”
“Oh Carl, this is wonderful. Come home early an we’ll celebrate.
Carl breezed through the day, wrapping up projects he’d been working on and accepting the congratulations of his co-workers. At 3:00, Carl left the office and headed home.He noticed the gas gauge on the truck was so low; he decided to fill up at the Chevron station. He was feeling great as he pulled up to the self-serve pump, but when he got out of the truck and picked up the gas nozzle, he noticed a bit of discomfort radiating from his butt. As the fuel flowed into the near-empty tank, the discomfort rose into pain. Carl began to worry. As the pain increased, he almost panicked. Carl wasn’t sure if he was having an attack of diarrhea or his stomach was exploding. There wasn’t time to run to the restroom; the pain was too intense, so he unbuckled his belt and dropped his pants. Suddenly, the air around Carl began to whip and flash; he felt as if his insides were falling out.
A young woman filling her car at the next pump suddenly yelled, “Look, monkeys! There are monkeys flying out of this guy’s ass. Ewww,”
Quickly, Carl looked behind him and sure enough, winged monkeys were sliding out his butt and flapping their wings.. As Carl watched the horror, it finally dawned on him…there is a price for everything.