Early this morning, Mrs. Em informed me I was taking her to the gardening center so she could purchase mass quantities of flowers, plants, and pottery to add to our already festooned backyard. She loaded up on assorted flora, fertilizer, and garden doodads, thereby depleting the coffers of our estate treasury. A nice young man helped load the semi-forest in the trunk, and we returned to the estate.
After I transferred the garden goodies from the car to the backyard, Pathetic Bob, Sophie. Lily, Paco, and Papi. along with Bill the Cat, Randy and Milo (the two gay squirrels who rent the big oak tree next to the pool) assembled on the deck to check things out, curiously sniffing each plant and peeing on the bags of potting soil. Before we started gardening, Mrs. Em used this gathering to as an opportunity to give a lecture to one and all about the behavior she expected from all present towards her plants
Sophie, who had been caught digging up last’s year’s impatiens, was, in no uncertain terms, threatened with great bodily harm if she continued her mole-like ways. Lily and Bill the Cat were chided for sitting in flower pots and wrestling in the garden beds. Pathetic Bob bore special attention of Mrs. Em”s wrath for his habit of taking a dump in the tomato patch. Then, her smoldering eyes landed on Milo and Randy. “You two,” she said, ” I’m still pissed at you for eating all the jalapeno peppers I planted last year. If it happens again this year, I will consider terminating your lease.”
Big Head Ed escaped Mrs. Em’s vitriol, however, I had no such luck. “And you Skippy (She calls me Skippy when she’s being sarcastic) you might consider being more diligent about watering the plants this Summer. I know you’re overtaxed already thinking up weird shit to post on your blog, but I would consider it a personal favor if you could find the time in your busy schedule to help me keep these plants alive.” I looked down and noticed a pool of sarcasm at her feet.
The meeting was about to break up when Randy said, “Uh…Em…did you ask her about the duck?”
“Duck! What duck? she exploded.
“Well…uh…Honey,” I said sheepishly. “Milo and Randy met a duck named Sonia in Cabo San Lucas on their winter retreat, and…they were wondering if maybe Sonia could come stay for the Summer.?
Mrs. Em just stared at me, and then she looked at Randy and Milo. Great,” she sacasimized, “a duck, that’s just what we need around here. I mean what’s a ” zoo” without a duck. Do you realize how much a duck poops? It’s not enough we have dog poop, cat poop, and squirrel poop all over the yard, now you want to add duck shit to the pile. Actually,” she added, “a duck will probably add poop to the pool.”
“Look Mrs. Em,” said Milo “Randy and I will clean up if Sonia makes a mess, but I doubt she will; she’s almost as anal retentive as you.”
“What did you say,” asked Mrs., foam dripping from her lips.
“He’s just kidding,” said Milo.
I figured I’d better jump in at that point. “Hey Mrs. Em, Milo’s a kidder. He’s always liked you. Listen, here’s what I think we should do; let’s allow Sonia to visit and see how it goes. I trust Randy and Milo. Except for last year’s jalapeno pepper incident, they’ve been stand-up guys. What do you say.?
Pathetic Bob chimed in. “Yeah, Mrs. Em, whatta you say? having a duck around might be cool.”
Ms. Em was not smiling, but she reluctantly gave her assent. “Fine, just fine. Bring on the duck, but I’m telling you all right now if she craps in the pool. I’m gonna tie her to the oak tree with duck tape.