<i>This is s Christmas letter from my cousin in Backwoods, North Carolina. I’d misplaced it in a stack of of mouse receipts<i>
Hi everyone, and Merry Christmas,
Well, just to bring you up to date on the family and friends, the past year had its ups and downs. 2016 started off pretty good, Franklin won $10,000 in the scratch-off lottery game. Unfortunately, his damned fool cousin Tiny talked him into investing all of it into a carbonated perfume scheme, and the money was soon gone. You live and learn, I guess.
Kevin finally graduated from high school, just two days short of his 31st birthday. I’m really proud of that boy, he decided to go into medicine is currently a test subject in seven different clinical trials.
Veronica Jean is still working over at the smelt factory; my how she loves those fish. Her and Spike are still living in sin together, but I guess that’s kinda the way it is these days with kids. Spike told me he’s getting her a burro for Christmas. She’ll be so pleased; she’s wanted a burro ever since she was four years old. By the way, Spike’s mother, Francis, got paroled in August. She’s living in Watsonville with a clergyman named Ralph. I sure hope she stays off the crack this time.
I don’t know if yall remember the twins—Andrew and not-Andrew—who lived next door to cousin Leonard, but just last month, Jennifer Lopez’s bodyguard beat the hell out of both of them. I heard she was filming a movie over by Canker City, when those boys dressed up like lemurs and tried to steal her underwear. Guess what? She doesn’t wear underwear. Can you imagine? Anyway Andrew was hospitalized with a broken anus, and not-Andrew had multiple lacerations on his thorax.
Grandma Purdy turned 89 in September, and she’s as spry as an 89-year-old leper can be. We went up to the colony and took her some rum cake, the kind she likes. Franklin kept rushing me to leave cause he just can’t stand old leper flatulence. It don’t really bother me, I mean Franklin ain’t no rose to live with.
I got my hip replaced back in March, and so far I’m doing ok. We’re still real upset at our insurance company because they wouldn’t pay for a real human hip, so I had a llama hip put in. I have a little hitch in my walk, but Franklin thinks it’s kinda sexy.
A bit of sad news to report, my sister Buttergirl is dead. She was run over by a tractor at Ted Fleem’s soybean farm. It is still a big mystery as to why she was at Ted’s farm and how she come to be in front of a tractor. I guess God just wanted it that way.
Well, that’s is for now. I hope all of you have a great Christmas and New Year.