Pathetic Bob was using Bill The Cat as a channel into my office. “Yo, Em, weren’t you once a ’60s liberal?”
“Yeah Bob, I guess I was a ’60s liberal, now I’m a ’00s liberal. I am also a Libertarian, a conservative, an agnostic, a mammal, a damn fine dancer, a platonic animal lover and an occasional asshole. I’m also an anti-Trump, common sense kind of guy. You can still have common sense and be liberal.”
“Whoa Big Em, what about your stance on the Viet Nam War?
I was in the military, and I hated the war. It was a war we should not have fought. Too many young men and women were killed, including some friends. Now I do admit I was for laying down our arms and living peacefully, but I realized that if we lay down our arms, what would happen? More war, that’s what, and this time it would be on our shores. If everyone laid down their guns, it would work, but everyone wouldn’t do that. So, I was wrong, but does that make me an Un-liberal? Today, my mantra is Bomb the fuck out of North Korea and the Taliban, Isis, and any other fucking group that wants to kill us.”
“Jesus, man, what do I know, I’m just a dog.”
Now, I felt bad. I’ve always told Bob part of the way to understanding a thing is to ask questions. “Look Bob, I’m sorry. I overreacted. You know I’ve supported liberal causes since before your grandma was a pup. I was one of the first people to support a cat’s right to be blasted into space when only chimps and dogs were allowed to do so.”
” Well, I wish you’d been more effective, ” said Bob a little forlornly
“And another thing Bob,” I added, “I was a supporter of gay rights in the ’60s. Why, when I was 18, I became a lesbian.”
“Is that why you sleep with the lovely Mrs. Em,” Bob asked.
“Uh…Yeah…but that’s not the point, Bob. The point is, I have always tried to comfort the afflicted and afflict the comfortable. Power to the people! Right on.”
Bob looked a little confused by my use of the popular ’60s slogan. “what people?” he asked.
“Hmmm, you know, the people without any power…poor people.”
“Are you poor?” he wanted to know.
“Well, not exactly. I mean I’m not rich…actually…it’s all kinda relative, Bob.”
“If you have rich relatives, couldn’t they send you some money to give to the poor?”
“I don’t have any rich relative, BOB.” I was getting a little frustrated.
“You could give some of your money to your relatives,”
“Look, Bob, we give plenty of money to causes in which we believe.”
“Like animal welfare groups, like underfed kids in Africa, like Gay Baby Seals for Christ. There’s more but, I’m gonna stop here. I’m kinda busy Bob. Why don’t you find Kieth the Duck and romp in the lake?”
“Romp? Jesus, you’re such an old fart.” he said as he was ready to shut down communication, he paused and said,”You know, Em, I think I’m a lesbian, too.”