Today, my dead dog and I were using the potted plant as a conduit to the afterlife. When I picked up a leaf and put it to my ear; his voice came in loud and clear.
“Hi Em,” he said, “let’s talk about the upcoming Grammy Awards.”
I sighed,”Really? Do you really want to discuss this annual musical circle jerk?”
‘”Hey, don’t be so negative. I like the Grammys, and I love the performances by the musicians. I mean who wouldn’t love hearing Katie Parry sing with Metalica? I’d watch just to see if there will be a “wardrobe malfunction.”
“I guess I wouldn’t mind seeing that myself. What I don’t like is the political interference. There are about 83 categories to vote on, and everyone in the academy can vote on all of them. This means Kanye can vote on Best Technical achievement in sub-sonic base crescendos. He doesn’t have to know shit about it, yet he gets a vote”
“Yeah, you’re right. about that…it sucks. And, what about those technical awards? They never show the winners”
“Well, to be fair Bob, if they televised every award, the show would go on for 18 hours.”
“It seems like it goes on for 18 hours already. I mean, you got your acceptances speeches where the under-assistant, West-Coast, film canister polisher thanks every member of his local Eckankar group, and he will make a little speech about how Donald Trump won’t let his cousin leave Arkansas because he was convicted of fondling salmon.This stuff is a prime example of why the techies and nerds should not be on prime time, a short spot on YouTube would do.”
“Now you’ve got the spirit. Hey, guess who won the very first Grammy?”
Bob thought for a minute.”My guess would be Clint Eastwood.”
“Jeez, you’re an idiot. Clint Eastwood isn’t a singer…that I know of.”
“OK, I give up, who.?”
“None other than the Chairman of the Board: Frank Sinatra.”
“Never heard of him. That’s archaic, and no one even knew there was a Grammy Award back then.”
“OK, let’s talk about tonight’s Grammys.There are 83 categories, but people only care about four or five. two weeks from now no one will even remember who won.”
“Well, let’s get to it.”
*list is provided by the Los Angeles Times.
Album of the year:
- “25” — Adele | Review
- “Lemonade” — Beyoncé | Review
- “Purpose” — Justin Bieber
- “Views” — Drake | Review
- “A Sailor’s Guide to Earth” — Sturgill Simpson
“This is easy. Sturgill Simpson? Never heard of him. Justin Bieber is a punk ass and the nominee commitee is going WTF, we must have been drunk. Drake might have had a chance if Beyonce and Adele hadn’t been nominated. So it’s between those two ladies.
“Adele’s album 25 sold more that 8 million records last year, Beyonce’s album Lemonade sold just over 1 million. Adele has the better voice. but Beyonce has the best semi-clothed body. If Beyonce’s husband attends the ceremony, it’s bad news for Adele if she wins. Kanye will jump on the stage and blowtorch her into ashes. Pathetic Bob’s pick: Adele.
Record of the year:
- “Hello” — Adele
- “Formation” — Beyoncé
- “7 Years” — Lukas Graham
- “Work” — Rihanna featuring Drake | Review
- “Stressed Out” — Twenty One Pilots
“Forget the bottom three, it’s gonna be between Beyonce and Adele again. Bob’s pick: Adele.”
Song of the year:
- “Formation” — Khalif Brown, Asheton Hogan, Beyoncé Knowles & Michael L. Williams II, songwriters (Beyoncé)
- “Hello” — Adele Adkins & Greg Kurstin, songwriters (Adele)
- “I Took a Pill In Ibiza” — Mike Posner, songwriter (Mike Posner)
- “Love Yourself” — Justin Bieber, Benjamin Levin & Ed Sheeran, songwriters (Justin Bieber)
- “7 Years” — Lukas Forchhammer, Stefan Forrest, Morten Pilegaard & Morten Ristorp, songwriters (Lukas Graham)
“Damn, Beyonce and Adele are pitted against each other again, but this time they both miss out because the award is going to ‘I took a pill in Ibiza’ by Mike Posner. I don’t know this guy, but he is the only one who wrote a song by himself. The others all had collaborators.
- Kelsea Ballerini
- The Chainsmokers | Interview
- Chance the Rapper
- Maren Morris
- Anderson .Paak | Interview
“Historically, the winner in this category is never heard from again, I guess my pick is Kelsea Ballerini just because her name is first on the list.”
Pop Vocal Album
- “25” — Adele
- “Purpose” — Justin Bieber
- “Dangerous Woman” — Ariana Grande | Review
- “Confident” — Demi Lovato
- “This Is Acting” — Sia | Review
“Sorry, but Adele takes this category. She’s just too good to ignore”
Worst Acceptance Speech: Harold Melvin and the Blue Notes.
Worst Political Remarks: A guy named Tom.
“OK Em, I’m done. Let’s go get some menudo.”