- Late yesterday afternoon, I connected with my dead dog, Pathetic Bob. I was running out of ideas that I could write about, so I ask him to talk to some of the people in the afterlife and see if he could come up with ideas. He agreed.
Early this morning, he contacted me through the potted plant next to my desk (Bill the Cat was asleep and we couldn’t use him as our conduit.) I asked if he had found a topic I could use.
“Oh, indeed I did,” he said. “And this a good one–5 Questions You Should Ask Your Prospective Doctor.”
- I was skeptical. “I don’t know, Bob, that sounds a little lame. Did you talk to a lot of dead doctors?”
“I didn’t ask any doctors, I ask dead patients. I mean, who would know better than them. They are the ones to know ‘If I only asked this, I might still be alive.'”
- “It might work,” I said. “Go ahead, and give me your list.”
- “OK, the number one thing the patients wished they’d ask their doctor is: ‘Is your first name Clifford?
- “That’s absurd. What difference would a doctor’s name make?”
- “That’s what I thought, so I consulted the Big Bad Book of Medicine which stated:
‘In a 10-year study, it was found that the majority of people who died because of implements left in their bodies after surgery were named ‘Clifford.’ Other studies are ongoing into why ‘Cliffords’ are bad JuJu.”
“That is damn weird,” I remarked. “So, what’s number two
- “Yeah, the second question you should ask your doctor is: ‘Do you believe in magic?'”
“That is ridiculous, doctors are men and women of science; they would know that magic is bogus.”
Bob chuckled, “How wrong you are lemur femur.”
“Wait a minute, wait just a minute, what does that even mean, ‘lemur femur,’ other than a lemur’s bone?”
Bob thought a minute, “It means what I want it to mean…uh…I can do that you know”
“Fine, so what if your doctor says he does believe in magic?”
“Ask him or her if they believe in David Blaine magic or Haitian voodoo magic. Blaine’s magic is OK, but if they are partial to voodoo magic, make sure you get a zombie Inoculation, or better yet, run like hell.”
“So what’s the third question?”
“This one is easy: Have you seen or touched any monkeys?”
“This sounds like crap.”
“No way. I got this question from an old David Letterman show. It’s OK for monkeys to touch you, but if you touch a monkey, you run the risk of catching monkey pox, which is some bad shit.”
“I don’t believe that, but lets push on to the fourth question.”
“The fourth question is for urologists. You should ask them ‘Just what kind of things are you going to stick up my ass?
“Fingers, miniature cameras, an sourdough bread are acceptable answers, However, if they add to the list: rodents, serrated scalpels, or a dipstick, clench your butt muscles and waddle out of his office.
“You’ve got to be kidding me?” I said.
“Would I joke about something so serious?
“In a Gambian minute. Alright, let’s finish this. What’s number five?”
“Number five is: ‘Will you accept chickens in payment for your services?”
“Who would ask that, it’s stupid?”
“You’ve got to realize, I interviewed dead people from all over the world, not just pampered Americans. Chickens are used as legal tender in countries such All of Africa, India, Pakistan, China, and half of Sweden. Rhode Island Reds are the most valued chicken because you can make Xanax from its blood. Doctors love Xanax.
“Well, that’s it lemur femur.”
“Stop calling me ‘lemur femur. It’s poetic, but inane.”
“Say, aren’t you scheduled to see you psychiatrist this week.”
“Yes, I am.”
“Ask him if dead creatures can be trusted with the truth.
“Yeah, I’ll be sure to bring it up.”
(c) dead dog writing, Mike Hood