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Rearing Children to Become Less Pathetic Adults

If you want to see what children can do, you must stop giving them things –Norman Douglas

The main difference between the human puppy and the rest of the mammalian world is human children never seem to leave home. This may be because you are obsessed with youth and try to live your lives through your children,,don’t know when to say “no,” and have no idea what their kids can do on their own because they keep giving them too much crap. Johnny or Susie aren’t going to gather too much reality through a five-foot, cheap plastic Kill-Me-Bigly army destructo unit. Your little darling doesn’t need a Call-Me-Sandy doll that can cry, walk, fart, and have a wardrobe of 60 gold lame dresses.

“Jeez Bob, that’s pretty harsh,” you may be saying,  If you are saying that, quit your whining.Your kids aren’t going to be losers because you refused to buy them $400 designer jeans or spend $1,300 on a birthday party at Wally World. Allowing your children to sit in front of a 70-inch TV watching anime cartoons while stuffing their mouths full of trans fat and cholesterol is gross negligence, and you should be fired from your job. What is your job? to prepare them to get the hell out of the house, get a job, and spawn. I shouldn’t have to be telling you this stuff.

Animals have a much clearer picture of what it is to be an adult parent and raise children effectively. Fran Lebowitz, a great lady who is obviously in tune with her inner animal said, “The only time you should ask child what he wants to eat is when he’s buying.” Lions don’t have time or patience to give a damn what their young want to eat; they basically say, “Here’s a dead antelope, eat it, it’s good for you, and don’t give me any shit.” And you know what, lion cubs love them for it.

Let’s turn to my species for a moment. Canines, like most mammals, love kids. Our women have a lot of breasts so they can have a lot of puppies at one time. We love ’em, lick ’em, protect ’em, encourage ’em, play with ’em, but we don’t allow them to rule the pack. They learn, and they learn fast because one day soon, we are gonna throw them out and turn their bedroom into a home office. After they’re gone, no matter how crappy their lives turn out, they never come back. We never have to hear, “Dad, my boyfriend cheated on me, can I come home?, or “Mom I got fired from Starbucks, can I crash at the house for a while.?”

Look, I really like kids:they are always dropping food all over the place, and I eat well when I’m around them. I have to draw the line, however, when they stick toys up my ass or yank on my ears, and their parents say “Oh, isn’t that cute, Little Billy or Chad is playing with Bob.” At times like that, it takes all the restraint I have not to rip the parent’s thorax out.

To help your kids avoid having me rip your thorax out, you may want to follow “Pathetic Bob’s Simple Rules for Child Rearing.

1.Birth “em, bathe ’em, beat ’em, and feed ’em.

2 If you overprotective your child, he will grow up to be a whining pussy.

3 Never ask them what they want; Ask yourself what they need.

4 Be the adult


Parenting is hard; quit whining; do your job; don’t ask; drop crumbs when I’m around; watch your thorax