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Does Dressing Your Dog In People Clothes Make You Psycho

I was feeling a bit weary. This morning, I managed to write a blog entry, edit it, and send it off to cyberspace in hopes that someone who can read would catch it, reel it in, and read it. So, I was relaxing in my desk chair, tilted back and eyes closed. I was damn near asleep when Bill the Cat jumped on the desk, made a squeaky noise and let his eyes bug out. Pathetic Bob was calling, and I had to take it.

“Yo, Em. Where have you been; I haven’t heard from you in a few days.

“I’ve been working on several projects, and I’m tired. What’s up with you?”

“Well Em, I’m pissed, really pissed. I was watching something on TV, and would you believe it, people (mainly women) were walking around with their dogs dressed in human clothes. Some even had on jewelry. Can you believe it?”

“Unfortunately, yes, I can picture it. It’s an all-to-common sight, and it makes my butt suck win.”

“Jeez Em, watch your language. Anyway, there are very good reasons you should leave human clothes off your pet. First, let me tell you what I read about people who do put clothes on Fido. (“Sorry, an aside here: I have never known a dog named Fido.”)

According to StackExchange clothes  aren’t good for your pet for several reasons. One reason is that they will chafe your pet. Where a human can scratch an itch under their clothes or adjust them, a dog can’t. Imagine if you’re underwear were wedgified all day and you couldn’t adjust them. Would you be okay? Yes. Would you be comfortable? No. I like that term “wedgified.”

“Well, I can sure understand this guy’s position.”

“Read on, dog breath, these dog dressers could be psycho. ”

“The other reason is more about psychology. I’m not going to categorically lump everyone who puts clothing on their dogs in this group, but I think a vast majority of people who dress their dogs up, do it because they see them as a child substitute. Granted they require similar care to a young child as far as not being able to feed themselves or go to the bathroom by themselves, but I think people are mentally substituting them for a baby they didn’t or couldn’t have, or for kids that have left home. Sometimes it happens when a child is in the house because the dog isn’t argumentative. I phrased it that way, instead of saying the dog isn’t bad because a lot of them are. People feel like a talking teenager should know better. The dog should know better as well, but because they can’t talk and they’re dependent, it’s easier to see them as a child and forgive bad behavior. It’s also the reason people like cats and dogs like pugs and Boston terriers. They have large eyes in proportion to their heads and this makes them seem child-like.

It’s not a good psychological state for the person or the dog. On the person’s side, they’re transferring feeling onto an inappropriate object and they’re harming their dog by not treating it like a dog. On the dog’s part, they’re not being taught what proper behaviors are when dealing with others. Because typically it’s small dogs being dressed up, they’re often forgiven for behaviors that you physically can’t with a big dog’s, such as biting or jumping on you. They are also carried like babies and never allowed a proper amount of exercise. These things all lead to a dog that is aggressive, territorial, and anti-social. It’s all lumped in with the mindset that goes along with dressing up a dog like a person. I strongly disagree with this practice.

“See, Em, what did I tell you? Bat-shit loonies, right?”

I was not too happy at that moment. “Well, uh, Bob, I’m not sure that that phrase is applicable to everyone who might put close on a dog once in a while.”

“But Em…er,,,uh…Oh, I see where this is going. The lovely Ms. Em, right?

I didn’t say anything.

“Well, I guess Mrs.Em isn’t exactly a bat-shit loonie, but you gotta admit she walks the borderline sometimes. I mean she dresses up that back-up dog you have. You know, the Papillion, Papi. She’s even costumed the Chihuahua a time or two.

“That’s right, Bob, and you might check out what the website has to say about when you should dress your dog. I recall you wanting to put on a sweater when the weather got cold.”

“Yeah, well, I do have to admit it was warm, and the raincoat came in handy. So, according to the site, ‘There are a few occasions I would find it acceptable to put clothing on a dog for short periods of time. These include a Halloween costume (though I’ve never put one on my dogs), a diaper when a female dog is in heat, a shirt of some kind if they have a wound you want to keep them from rubbing, a rain jacket if you don’t want them to get soaked when you’re taking them to the bathroom, snow boots if it gets packed in between their toes, guard vests on labs fetching in frozen lakes, and the only piece of clothing I have, which is a light jacket I put on my jack Russell in the mornings when it’s still pretty cold. She has very thin hair and I put her outside when I go to work. I’ll put the light hoodie on her and it’ll help her retain heat till the day warms up. When she heats up, she wiggles out of it and leaves it by the door.'”

“OK, Em, to summarize, Don’t dress your dog…except when it’s OK. Don’t act like a bat-shit loonie and you need to dress better yourself.”



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My Dead Dog Talks About Women

I got home from the emergency room the other day–a bronchitis thing– and found Bill the Cat sitting in an empty cardboard box in the middle of the kitchen counter. I did not find this odd, so I went into my office to check e-mails. Bill the Cat followed me in and jumped up on the desk. I did find this odd, since he hadn’t set paw on the desk since the last time Pathetic Bob used him as a conduit from the afterlife.

I asked, “Bill, are you OK?” All of a sudden, his eyes bugged out and he goes into a trance.

“Bob!” I shout.

“Don’t yell Em, I’m here. What’s he matter?”

“I thought we agreed not to use the cat as a medium,” I reminded him.

“Ah Jeez, he was there on the desk, and I figured he enjoyed the experience.”

“Maybe, but I’m not that sure. Anyway, why were you trying to get in touch with me?”

Bob replied, “Women, what’s up with them?”

Now this is a question that men do not want to be asked, because we are generally going to get it wrong and female wrath will befall us. I knew he would bug me til I gave an answer. “I don’t know Bob, did you hear something? Are they planning a takeover? By the way Bob, I assume you are talking about human women, right?”

He answered, “Yeah, yeah, I mean human women. They seem kinda different from other humans.”

“You mean men?”

“Yeah,” he confirmed. “It seems that not only do women have different body bits and pieces, the operate according to a different set of cosmic and natural laws. I know I’m smart, but I can’t figure out what makes women so different from men.”

Now we were getting into dangerous territory. “You know Bob, men have no idea either how women process information. It’s kinda like the weather, we know it’s there, but we have no idea how or why it works.

“Jeez Em, there you go again. I ask you a question and you throw that ‘mystery’ crap at me. Take a position man.”

‘That’s not fair Bob. I’ve taken a lot of positions.’

“Sure, whatever you say.” He was being condescending.

He was pissing me off so I blurted out, “Oh yeah…well…uh…women…I like ’em. They’re great.”

“Ooooooh, Em, you really went out on a limb there.”

“OK smart ass, what do think about women…really?”

“I’ll tell you what I think.” Bob said decisively. “I think women are smarter than men. Women don’t generally act like street dogs, fighting over territory, looking for the chance to kick ass just for the sake of kicking ass. I can’t believe I’m saying this, but I believe women are more reasonable than men; they don’t seem to have that win-lose mentality that men have. They seem more willing to compromise. I think that what they lack in brute force, they more than make up for with a highly evolved intelligence. In fact, women have surpassed men on the evolutionary chain. And another thing Em, women have great tits.”

I knew it, I knew it, he was eventually gonna screw up and there it was. “Now you’ve done it Bob.Women are gonna start reading this post and think, ‘That Pathetic Bob is one sensitive smart dog. He really knows about women. And then wham, they’re gonna read ‘tits’ and think ‘see, all men want is sex.'”  “You really blew it Bob.”

“What the hell are you talking about,” said a rather confused Bob. “I’m not interested in having sex with human women…eeeeeeewww. That’s sick. I just think their tits are nice to look at. Damn, Em, I think elephant tusks look beautiful on an elephant, but I don’t want one shoved up my butt. What the hell is it with people?”

“Well Bob, you just can’t say stuff like that, it’s  not…uh…politically correct.”

“Look Em, just because I like the way women’s tits look, doesn’t mean I don’t find their brains attractive. In fact, the brain is the most attractive part of any human (you might be the exception). So deal with it. By the way haven’t you noticed by now there are no correct politics.”