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Pathetic Bob’s Kimono of Gods Debunked


As I was reading my morning e-mails, Pathetic Bob called me via the potted plant. “Em, Em, unto this day, five gods are born, and the Japanese people better repent.”

I was engrossed in an e-mail offer from a college I’d never heard of to sign up for an online degree program in solar podiatry. I wasn’t sure I had heard Bob correctly. “What did you say,” I asked.

“This is big Em, real big! I was just reading in the paper that a Kimono Dragon in England named Flora gave birth to five eggs that hatched into five dragons. Bob was excitedly jumping up and down. “Now, here’s the interesting part,” he exclaimed, “Flora was a virgin! That’s right, a virgin, That means she didn’t make the dragon with two backs with a guy dragon. It’s a miracle! Well, actually it’s five miracles.”

“Calm down Bob, calm down. I have to admit the news is pretty interesting, but what on Earth does it have to do with the Japanese people?”

“Jeez Em, sometimes you can be so dense. Let me spell it out for you.  Everybody knows that when virgins give birth, their offspring are Gods. I mean look at Mary…uh I forget her last name…Mrs.  Joseph…her kid turned out to be a pretty popular, right?”

“Well,” I started, but Bob plowed on.

“Anyway, Flora had five gods; can you imagine how popular they are gonna be?”

“I’m not sure….” Again, Bob interrupted me.

“They’re gonna be real popular. Lots of people are gonna love them, in including the Japanese.”

“So why should the Japanese repent and not other people?”

“Think about Em. For centuries the Japanese have been wearing robes made out of Kimona dragons; Now, dragons have evolved to God status, don’t you think they’re gonna be a little pissed.”

“Bob, I think you misread the story. It’s Komodo dragons, not Kimono Dragons. Japanese kimonos are usually made out of cotton or silk, not lizards.”

Bob picked up the newspaper he was reading, and he poured over the story intensely. He looked at me. “Oh,” he said. I guess that changes things.”

Bob was quiet. Then he said,”Em?”

“Yeah, Bob?”

“Out of respect for the lizard semi-gods I think you ought to send Larry the Lounge Lizard to Japan as a token our misrepresentation”

“What do you me ‘our’ misrepresentation?”

“Look, all I’m saying is that it would be a nice thing to do.”