Today, I held the quarterly board meeting with the voices in my head. Although I am Chairman of the Board, the others have a vote on projects I will undertake and policy positions I will make over the next quarter. Unfortunately, my voice only has one in what I may or may not believe.
The meeting was called to order and attendance was taken. Kevin. Venus, Mahmud, Calliope, Raheem and I were all there. After dispensing of the reading of the minutes of the last meeting, the floor was opened to proposals, and Kevin was the first to jump in.
“I propose that Em start a club for octogenarians named ‘Kevin'” Then he will buy jackets with a club logo on back.”
Before the board could vote on the measure, I hastened to point out that I am not an octogenarian and my name isn’t Kevin, so I wouldn’t be allowed to join the club; neither could the other members. The measure was voted down. Kevin pouted.
Raheem introduced a proposal that we pass a non-binding resolution against the wars in Afghanistan and Syria and call on the toadstool in office to bring our troops home. It passed unanimously, and it was decided we would all work on how to make it binding for next quarter.
Calliope thought it was time redecorate my head, saying it was too pink inside. It was shelved til the next quarter.
Venus raised her hand and said shyly, “Uh…Em… I have a suggestion. I was thinking maybe you could lay off your brilliant nephew Brian for a while. You know, it’s OK if he doesn’t want to dance. In fact, my cousin Terpsichore has witnessed his gyrations and feel it would be a service to mankind if he were to refrain from dancing.” The proposal passed four to two.
Mahmud, the wise old scholar, once again brought up the proposal that I write a book.
“Look, Mahmud,? I said, “we’ve been over this before. I have been trying to write a book, but all you fuckers keep distracting me. If you’d just quit butting in, perhaps I could finish it.
“In fact, I have a proposal.” I said, “I propose that you all take a long vacation; I’ll even pay for it. I tell you what, I’ll’ send you to my ass for spring and summer, all expenses paid.”
They chattered among themselves for a minute, then Kevin said, “Can we talk out of your ass?”
“Yeah, sure, you’ve been doing it for years.