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Tree Sperm and Snake Messages

Mountain Cedar – the bane of allergy sufferers.
Bill the Cat

The last time my dead dog (Pathetic Bob)  and I communicated,) I told him we could no longer use Bill the Cat as a medium to channel Bob. I was afraid the cat might start suffering some kind of brain impairment.  Since a medium had to be something living Bob suggested using a plant. As luck would have, it, I have a nice potted plant next to my desk. It is some kind of ivy and has long tendrils hanging off it. Today, I picked up one of those tendrils and brought ir across my desk and put one of the leafs against my ear. It worked.

“Bob, Bob, are you out there?”

After a few seconds of low buzzing, Pathetic Bob came through.  “Hey Em, I’m here. What the heck is up with you,;  you sound like you have a squid in your head.”

“No, no squid. My head is filled with snot and my lungs  are harboring some nasty, vicious flu.”

“Jeez, you sound real attractive. I wouldn’t plan on getting jiggy with Mrs.  Em tonight.

He kinda pissed me off, “You are getting a little too personal there Bob.”

He shot back,”OK, fine, fine. Bet I can tell you why you are all squid-sounding.”

I knew I might regret this, but I said, “OK Doctor Bob, what’s my problem”

“You’re suffering from an invasion of tree sperm.”

“Jeez, Bob….”

“Wait a minute Em, just listen. You live in South Central Texas, the home gazillion cedar trees. Every year at this time, the trees get horny and want to procreate. It’s a veritable orgy, and you are in the middle of it.”

He was getting me jacked up.”Well, Bob what the hell can I do about it?”

“Put a condom over your head.”


“Just messing with you Em. The best advice II can give is  drink a lot of liquid, eat chicken soup, put a mustard plaster on your chest, drink some more water, and whine. I already know you got the whining part down.”

“I tried to change the subject. “So where is Kieth the Duck, he wanted to tell me some stories?”

A Relaxing Snake Massage

“He does, but right now he is over by one of the rivers getting a snake message. I’ve had one from a python, and it feels pretty good.”

“Sounds about as disgusting as what I just coughed into my tissue.”

“Jeez Em, you’re such a wuss. Since snakes and other beings aren’t allowed to kill or injure anyone. so it’s safe. And, it gives the snakes a way to practice their natural born instincts by squeezing a body. What you get is a deep-tissue massage and a happy snake.”

“Whatever works for you. Say Bob, I need some help.”

“I’ve always got your back em, you know that.”

“Hmm, Well, I need a metaphor.”

“What kinda metaphor?”

“A tree metaphor, and it’s not a cedar tree so I don’t need any tree sex talk. I need a metaphor for live-oak trees, you know those big, wide canopy trees with branches that shoot off in all directions. They are magnificent, but I can’t come up with a good metaphor and I thought you or Kieth could help.”

“We can give it a try. There are some pretty literate people here. Perhaps I could query them.

“Yeah well query your little tail off, I’m in kind of a hurry here.

“OK, we’ll get right on it as soon as Kieth gets back from his message. Oh, and Em, try those home remedies, they really work. Whoops, time’s up, gotta go. By Em.”

The plant leaf began to undulate which I took to mean the conversation had been concluded. I gently put the leaf and tendril back close to the pot and said,”Thank you.”







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