The vampire transformation couldn’t come at a worse time for Ed Rassmussen. The 84-year-old retired farm implement salesman living in Glaston, Minnesota was in ill health and looking forward to dying. Unfortunately, Shelly, the next door neighbor’s, teenage, idiot, vampire daughter had gone and bit him. Now, he was turning into a bloodsucker himself.
Ed thought to himself, “Why couldn’t that little, blond, belly-pierced cheerleader have bitten someone younger, or, at the very least sucked out all my blood and left me in a pile of dust? Fuck, now I’m gonna have to become a night predator…and I wear dentures. How the hell is that gonna work out?”
Ed’s wife, Shirley, was as upset as Ed. Her plans to spend Ed’s life insurance money on a cruise to Panama and a 70-inch 4k television, were now in ruins. It seemed there was little choice but to become Ed’s minion, carrying out his daytime errands and keeping his coffin clean.
Life sucked. So death.