Wales is an interesting country with an unpronounceable language that has a long and long history. You might find some interesting folklore on Wikipedia, but the good stuff comes from the dead Welshmen (or Cymru). So, I sent Pathetic Bob to see what he could find out about this mysterious
country. His report follows.
“Jeez Em, why couldn’t you send me to find out something interesting in, say. Florida? Anyway, the coolest thing about Wales is how it got its name. In the first century, a group of Japanese whalers sailed into the Irish Sea, and a sailor named Carl ipsofacto cried out in alarm, ‘There be wales.’ Which of course were not Whales (Carl was a notoriously bad at spelling they were cudgel fish, a large herbivore with two sets of cudgels protruding on each side of its head,
“Carl was sent home in disgrace. After a turn around a large rock outcropping Hito, the ship’s entertainment director, called out, ‘Here they be Dragons,’ and damned if there weren’t dragons…thousands of them. It was a scene out of The Game of Thrones.
“The Japanese ship was not equipped to slay dragons, so it turned and headed for Florida Keys, minus four crewmen who could see the potential in dragon flights for beachside tourists. But, the sailors had no idea how to tame a dragon, and they were quickly immolated by dragon breath.
“There were, however, a group of Cymru who tamed them and used them to deliver groceries and burn their enemies houses down. As dragons died off, the badass dragon wranglers moved to North Wales and rented their dragons out for deforestation. Wales didn’t have a lot of forests to begin, and soon most of the land became useless for farming. However, the dragon became the official symbol of Wales, not Whales.”
“Dragons and Whales? Is that it, Bob?”
“Not on your ass,” my dead dog reported. “Castles.”
“Yeah, Whales…uh…Wales had more damn castles in the United Kingdom than anyone. Castles dotted the Welsh landscape. Even the poor and downtrodden had a castle. It’s something to do with national pride, I think. Another thing I found that the Walsies really dig is ‘cudgeltalia.’.”
“I hate to ask what that is”
“It’s a sport at which the Welsh excel at. It seems you pry off a cudgel from a dead cudgelfish, and polish them up real shiny. Then, two teams square off and use the cudgels to smash into each others’ genitalia until only one man is standing. Matches would go on for hours. It can’t be said the Welsh don’t have big balls.”
“So, Wales has dragons, castles, cudgelfish, and a weird language, is that about it.?”
“Not quite. It’s said the Welsh women are the most beautiful in the world…however, no one knows for sure.”
“Why not, it would seem obvious.”
“Well, it’s colder than Donald Trump’s heart, and the women never get naked. The wear sheepskin hajibs and cover their faces with surgical gauze. Once in a while you can get a glimpse of an ankle, but that’s it.”
“I think we’ll find out about Florida next time.”